Monday, November 30, 2009

1. I lost my virginity to a strap-on by a girl I was with for almost two years. We ended on a terribly bitter note, but I would never want to change that fact. I am so endlessly happy it was her.

2. The first guy I slept with was the 22-year-old (to my 17 years) whom my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. It was mind-blowing.

3. I'm a huge tease and I enjoy it far too much. I love whispering in ears at school or the mall, grazing thighs, just enough to get sex into someone's head in a place where sex is not a possibility.

4. Grade 8 was when I had my first real life girl crush (as apposed to celebrity). To this day we still talk, usually about sex. We've flirted with the idea of fucking a few times but it's never worked out. I really hope it does one day.

5. The summer after grade 9 I came out as gay. I went strong until grade 12, when I slept with a guy and decided I might not be so gay after all. I have no idea what to classify myself as, though some of my classmates like to push bisexual. I will always love women more, but there's something so secure and safe about being with a man that I don't want to let go of yet.

6. My first solid sexual experience was in grade 9 with my first girlfriend. We were caught, too, by my dad. It was so exciting and wonderful and passionate and terrifying.

7. I think about sex a lot. It crosses my mind so often, I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Whenever I go to spin class and do a particularly long and hard (haha!) endurance flat, I focus on sex to make the time pass. Sometimes it gives me an adrenaline rush.

8. When I was about 10 or 11 my parents bought me sex ed books, I suppose because I was curious. I pulled them out multiple times to have a giggle with my friends, and every now and then I would pull them out alone and read them. I felt naughty and experienced, like I knew more than my friends did.

9. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to sex, and even though I did stuff with a girl before I knew much of anything (it seemed to come fairly naturally), I had to watch videos on YouTube before doing anything with a guy. I even got tips from a friend before giving head. I'm glad I did, though. I think I was a lot better than he expected.

10. I used to read and write dirty fiction. I still read it, and I've even taken to buying a couple adult mangas. I also crave movies with sex in them. Generally, when I'm in the movie store, I want something involving sex, but there are so few movies that aren't porn (I don't find porn arousing) that actually have sex you see.

11. I hate shaving my pubes. I desperately want to like it, but I'm so terrified of cutting myself. I feel that because I don't shave, more people will be discouraged to have sex with me. I worry about it often. That being said, I don't mind when girls don't shave. In fact, I like it. It's natural and I like embracing exactly who they are. But I worry that when I go to pull a hair out of my mouth, they'll get discouraged. I'm not disgusted! I just really don't want it to be there anymore.

12. I love touching, and not necessarily in a sexual way. I do very much enjoy the touching of another's naked body, but even when people who I don't think of sexually touch the skin of my arm or my neck or shoulder I get tingly and don't want them to stop. Of course, I rarely voice this desire. But I often wish I had someone who was comfortable just gently touching my hair and neck and arms. In the same way I find people writing on me in pen arousing. But pen just looks so immature on skin. It's unfortunate, really.

13. My nipples are extremely sensitive. There isn't really anywhere else on my body that's sensitive, which is often upsetting as most girls I know have sensitive necks or legs or stomachs, but I'm just stuck with my nipples.

14. I secretly feel that people don't fully like me as a person unless they have a crush on me. This is horribly flawed thinking, and it leads me to try and entice many people whom I'm not actually interested in.

15. I've dated 3 people. I've fucked 5. I look up to people who have had sex with dozens upon dozens of people. I hope to be one of those people someday.

16. I don't have high standards for people I would sleep with. Even if I don't think someone is sexy, I would fuck them.

17. I've never had an orgasm. I long for one. Too many people have told me I need to have one.

18. I love love LOVE sexual tension. I love reading about it, writing about it, watching it on tv and experiencing it. I felt it very often around my best guy friend. If I feel enough sexual tension between myself and someone else, there doesn't even need to be any touching and I'm aroused. It's that simple.

19. I like dirty talk, although I guess I wouldn't call it dirty, because I hate that "pussy" and "dick" stuff. But I love nothing more than to whisper in someone's ear "I want to fuck you so hard you won't be able to walk."

20. I hate when people use the term "making love". It's way too cheesy and I just think of Barry White. I often find myself using the word "fuck," and "sex" takes a backseat. Sometimes "fuck" feels degrading, but sometimes I want to feel degraded, like it's supposed to be something quick and dirty.

21. I feel awkward and uncomfortable talking about boobs with other people. I never know what to refer to them as. Breasts is too romance-novel-esque. Boobs is like a-beer-with-the-guys. Tits feels degrading, like a porno. I often call them breasticles in my head, because I think my dad used to jokingly call them that (awkward, I know). I still haven't decided what I like calling them, so I just try and avoid talking about them.

22. I hate it when guys (or girls for that matter) don't get how two girls can fuck. Or rather, not that they don't get it, but that they are unwilling to accept that it's actually fucking. That somehow a penis needs to be involved for it to actually count. I can understand their point of view, but they don't and will never understand the passion between two women and how it's completely comparable to a man and a woman.

23. Masturbating never works for me. I've tried multiple times at different ages in different places at varying levels of arousal. It never gets very far. I can't get past the fact that I'm touching myself. I need someone else to touch me.

24. I don't know what to consider it, but I do this thing (and have done it since I was 6) where I sort of cross my legs and rock back and forth on a chair. I did it hanging from a swing when I was younger. I think it's masturbating, because I think it hits my clit over and over and I've gotten extremely horny from doing it, but I've always been ashamed of having it as a "hobby" and because I can't explain what it is that I'm doing, I feel like people won't understand. When I really think about it, it's masturbating, and I can really enjoy it at times, but it's a very confusing thing that I do. I don't think I've ever actually told anyone about it.

25. Sometimes I worry that no one will find me as attractive as the girl I lost my virginity to. She was so passionate about her attraction to me. I feel like no one will be able to match it.