Monday, March 22, 2010

1. I am biologically female, though I have no idea whatsoever what gender I identify as. This general indifference to gender is probably the reason I identify as bisexual.

2. One of my biggest fears is that I will turn out to be a heterosexual cisfemale once I'm grown. Because of this, sometimes I feel as if I'm forcing myself to be more masculine than I naturally am, even though I know I am queerer than an eight-legged cat.

3. I'm not sure whether or not I'm a virgin. I've been fingered many a time and have been on the giving and receiving end of cunnilingus, and I wouldn't mind being penetrated (or penetrating someone), but I have little to no access to cock and am in a relationship.

4. Being in this relationship is probably one of the worst ideas I've had in a while, but at least only a few people know we got back together. I don't really get emotionally attached and have never fallen in love (don't expect to), and she's one of the most emotional people I know, and fancies herself in love with me. If you include the week when we were broken up, we've been together for two and a half months.

5. As much as I convince myself I want out, I'm afraid that she's the best I can get, and she makes the best noises. And her breasts, despite being too small for me visually, are fantastically fun to play with.

6. Other than her, I've kissed six people, been felt up by three, and fingered by one. I was only romantically attracted to one of them, though I was sexually attracted to four or five.

7. I have never managed to orgasm, not by my own hands or with any help. I'm petrified that I never will.

8 . Despite never actually getting off, I get wet incredibly easily and masturbate at least four times a week. My fantasies have a tendency to focus on the romantic one from 6, my girlfriend, and David Tennant.

9. I write erotic fiction. All of it is slash or femmeslash, and it is some combination of fanfiction and original work. I find this incredibly shameful, but it gives me a feeling of giving back to the fic communities I'm a part of, and it helps to increase my feelings of self-worth.

10. On a similar note, I find it incredibly sexy when people play with gender roles, and thus homosexuality and androgyny are both enormously arousing for me. I would partake in androgyny more if I did not have an very feminine form (C-cup, 27-inch waist, 38-inch hips, barely five feet tall).

11. My figure is also one of the reasons I have difficulty figuring out my gender. When I can successfully pass, I feel much more like myself, but I love working with appearances and I know that I am only ever really attractive when dressed as a female.

12. I have gotten it on in a school building/vehicle at least half a dozen times. I have never been caught.

13. I like it rough, and the fact that marks aren't allowed in my current relationship (for the sake of maintaining secrecy) disappoints me to no end.

14. It's very hard for me to explain what I need and want in a relationship. I project a very hard exterior, and it is absolutely a huge part of who I am, but I would someday like someone who can pick up on my smaller emotional cues. I've also found that I'm quite good at picking up on those cues from others, and as long as I'm paying attention, I make a very good partner.

15. I'm sexually attracted to almost every one of my friends, at least a little bit. I think this is related to the fact that I've never really had feelings for anyone I was not friends with first, and also the fact that they're all pretty damn hot.

16. I used to think I could be attracted to anyone who showed any interest in me, based on my first two major crushes and what happened after I'd kissed each of them. This was proved very, very wrong when I went into a very, very short relationship with one of my close friends who was a year younger than me. I think I vomited a bit when I kissed her, and thus broke up with her four hours later. We're still very close, and I'm very grateful that she helped me realize that I am actually very selective about who I want to fuck, and that I've never been attracted to anyone younger than myself.

17. I never masturbated as a kid. At all. My first time was in the shower at age fourteen, and I didn't know what to do other than stick my fingers inside. It hurt, and soon after I discovered that the clit makes things a whole lot better.

18. Bad grammar is an instant turn-off for me. I can want somebody like nobody's business, but if they use the wrong form of your, I will be unable to think of them in that way again.

19. My first kiss was with one of my closest friends, at my thirteenth birthday party. I had been pining after her for months, and she initiated it. The next morning, she denied it had ever happened and that next summer was when both my anxiety and depression started to really take shape, but once we dealt with it, I learned to view it as a fantastic learning experience and I wouldn't go back and change it for the world.

20. I am fascinated by penises. I'm also a little grossed out, probably because I've little experience with them, but they're kind of really quite beautiful.

21. The award for hottest experience I've ever had would go to several weeks ago, a few days after the girlfriend and I got back together. We were staying after school to go to an evening event and she was having one of her characteristic breakdowns maybe twenty minutes before said event happened, so I comforted her in our science wing. Once she got over it, we went to the bio classroom, where she learned just how hard I need to be bitten for me to feel anything on my breasts, and I played with her hair and masturbated while she worked on them. That was probably the nearest I've ever come to orgasm, though I didn't make it all the way. Immediately after, we half-cuddled as I fingered her, and we ended up being two hours late for the event we were supposed to be at.

22. I have very little sensation in my breasts. I don't know why, but to me, touching them is no more arousing than touching any other part of my body. I don't really like having them, but I look oddly proportioned without them, and they really are gorgeous, just not for me.

23. The closest I've ever been to in love was with the boy from 6 and 8. He had a crush on my best friend and no chance, and the three of us spent quite a lot of time cuddling as I gradually began to develop feelings for him. He wasn't particularly gorgeous or nice, but he made me very, very happy, and the summer before high school, we made out at a friend's birthday party - I initiated it, and it was amazing. After that, I really wanted us to take it further, but he said never again. We kissed again one more time, and I might've gotten a little too obsessive, but it was all very worth it, and I still, several years later, have feelings for him. My only regret is that we haven't stayed friends, and one of these days, I'm going to try talking to him again.

24. Nothing turns me on like intelligence. No matter what someone looks like, if we can have a good, quick conversation, I will feel at least a bit of wanting. Shared obsessions have similar effects, which is probably why I'm such a fan of geeks.

25. I would love to have a one-night stand. The idea of sex with no strings attached appeals to me like nothing else. The problem with this, of course, is that I'm actually fairly shy when around people I don't know most of the time, but my confidence and snarkiness are my most attractive traits.