Saturday, January 5, 2013

1. I am a 21 year old, cisgendered, bisexual female from Texas. Only a few people know about the bisexual part.

2. I am married, and have been for over a year now. This has vastly diminished how much sex I have. I'm not pleased by this.

3. I got pregnant when I was 18 and had twin boys. This has also vastly diminished how much sex I have. I'm not pleased by this.

4. I love to fuck. Given the option, I'd rather be having sex. If it were legal and if there were fewer risks involved, being a sex worker sounds highly appealing, simply because I could get paid doing something I enjoy.

5. I was raised Catholic, to be pure and wait to have sex until marriage.  I was shamed for wanting birth control, even after having children. As a married woman, I am still shamed somewhat by my parents if I even remotely refer to using birth control. I was also raised that homosexuality was deviant and evil. I was taught that masturbation was bad and sinful. I was taught that in order to preserve other people's purity, I should always dress modestly.

6. I was around eleven when I started masturbating. I've never felt ashamed of it, even though I was taught that I should be. My parents installed a hand-held shower head when I was 10 and I discovered that it was instrumental in making me feel very VERY good. My first sexual thoughts that I can remember were about several characters from "The Lord of the Rings."

7. Up until last year, I thought I was a virgin until I met my husband. I now know that I lost my virginity to a 18-year-old girl when I was 14. It was extremely pleasant.

8. I have identified as bisexual since I was 15.

9. My first PIV sex was with the man who is now my husband when I was 18. I was his first in all respects. After three years, he has gotten remarkably good in bed. The first time we had sex, a robot fell on my head. It was NOT good for me. It was great for him. Mostly I just find it hilarious.

10. I have been the first kiss of at least 5 different males. I am indifferent about this. Most first kisses are only magical because you don't know they get better.

11. The first time I saw a naked man, it was because I came over to his house and he answered the door naked. I was 17 and I was NOT pleased. He got dressed quickly and then I came inside and we watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

12. After having children, I am now an avid supporter of feminism, sex-positivity and birth control. My parents hate this, but mostly we try not to discuss it.

13. My favorite thing to do during high school was entice as many guys as possible. I loved how they looked at me and loved being kissed and touched and wanted.

14. With this in mind, I love being in control and being controlled. It just depends on the day.

15. I had sex 8 times in one day. It was enjoyable. I think I came 6 out of 8 times.

16. I've never used a vibrator or a dildo. I assume I'd enjoy it, but I'm pretty broke most days, so I haven't been able to really think about purchasing anything in specific.

17. Getting pregnant at 18 and then married 2 years later meant that I didn't get to get a lot of my crazy out. My husband gets this and I appreciate it. It just is very very hard sometimes. I've only ever had sex with one man. I would really like to see what it is like with a multitude of other people. I have no idea if I will or not. It is just very frustrating being 21 and horny all the time.

18. I love getting oral sex. I've received from three people and the women definitely outshine the man. My husband isn't a big fan, so it rarely happens, which is also quite frustrating. I also enjoy giving. I love hearing and feeling the tension and release, the ebbs and flows.

19. I'm not a fan of porn. I don't hate it (and I have some huge issues with the industry), but for the most part, it doesn't turn me on. True queer porn can turn me on, on occasion. I love the sounds but rarely like what I see. I prefer erotic literature, and there is some fantastic stuff! However, I have to delete my history constantly, because apparently I like to read really, really bad stuff. It is embarrassing. This is one of the few parts of my sexuality that I have issues accepting.

20. I am very afraid of being outed as being bisexual to my mother. Terrified.

21. I was raped when I was 20. My therapist at the time told me that he must have been provoked by my immodesty and his frustration with his life. I haven't gone back to see her in a while and I have only just begun to make his life hell.

22. I miss having sex with girls.

23. I've had to be quiet while having sex my entire sexual life. I HATE it. The few times I haven't had to be, I love groans and screams. I want to hear my partner's sounds as well. It gets me off so well.

24. I've never been in a threesome. I'd love to try it sometime. It sounds awesome.

25. I am not even slightly interested in anal sex. Fortunately, neither is anyone else I've ever slept with.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

1.) I’m a straight white cis-male in his mid-thirties, and my sex life is basically just a series of contradictions.

2.) I’m 6’4” and around 200 pounds. I like the sound of that, but in reality I’m fairly lanky. I’ve always had a lot of self image issues that have really done a number on my sex life.  It’s really hard for me to escape the definition of being an ugly guy. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see how I’m ugly, but somehow I accepted that’s how other people see me.  They just see me as being a taller version of Bill Gates despite the fact that I have really good hygiene and I keep my hair short (just like it that way). 

3.) I don’t think most guys have a good grasp on their sexuality. The sheer social programming alone forces most guys into a default role. There are no bonus points for guys who experiment. If you’re not completely straight or gay then you have to be really careful about what you say to a girl. Even if most girls won’t admit this; they see any homosexuality as a weakness in their mate, and it messes with their submissive headspace. I don’t blame them because they don’t consciously do this. It’s not that they don’t want their heart/bodies to be as open as their mind. In a lot of ways I think I’ve just become frustrated with it. Lets just say I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for girls who truly reject gender roles and are open to sexual parters who don’t fit the stereotypical roles.

4.) I identify with being a switch, but in reality it's easier for me to be dominant. Not just easier because I’m used to being in control, but it's easier because the girls tend to be submissive. I really want a girl to take control in the bedroom just once to see what it feels like. To have them set aside all insecurity and just hump the fuck out of my face. I would be so much better at pleasing a girl if they were as open and assertive as I am when it comes to sex. Although it is getting better as I date older girls who have a more developed sexuality, and aren't nearly as submissive.

5.) Every girl I’ve had any sexual contact with her either been raped or sexually molested, and it's always been hard for me to process it. I’ve promised to treat them as being pure, and not as a victim. At one point I really felt like my fate was to eventually kill one of the bastards that did that to them. I know that it's often cyclical, and it points to a bigger social problem. These days I’m just a huge advocate for sex education, and in trying to identify problems early on. What if people learned what sex really was? Where they didn’t learn it from porn?

6.)  I don’t know exactly when I started to masturbate. I’m sure I started out like most boys where it just felt good to hump the bed a little while laying on my stomach. It just slowly started to progress more and more till I had my hands wrapped around my penis and pulling sheets under it.

7.) I’m kinda embarrassed to admit the fact that I didn’t really correctly masturbate until high school. I’m not sure when I eventually figured out you were supposed to be on your back with your hand around your cock.

8.) I never put my finger in my ass while masturbating. It’s pretty fucked up because I like it when a girl does it. For some reason I’m obsessed with the idea of saving it.

9.) When it really comes down to it, I’m a hedonist more than simply being a sexual person. I like indulgences, and I fail to see why sex shouldn’t play a central role.

10.) I’ve been single for my entire life, and the closest I got to a relationship was a long-distance thing that lasted for way longer than it should have. I think she would agree with that, but at the same time I think we’re both grateful that it happened. I see it as something that had a profound effect on me. Just the idea that it could happen, and I wasn’t a completely broken person.

11.) I’m obsessed with the idea of a regular sex partner. Just someone who comes over once a week, and we play around. I see it as the ultimate form of a crutch. Just some way to make it by, even though I know relationship-wise my entire life is a train wreck. I don’t even care if I have to pay for it as long as I’m not completely paying for it. I want the money to be just a bridge between my age and her age (probably much younger), and our looks. I don’t want some escort, or some prostitute, but just some college girl who likes sex and likes money. I put the value on this at $1000-$1500 a month. It’s kinda fucked up that it turns me on, but I know it's a terrible idea. Any time you mix sex and money, everything gets so manipulative.  In so many ways its just self-inflicted pain, and I’m not even a masochist. I’ve gone to a web site, but I just can’t bring myself to fill out a profile. In a lot of ways it would be like giving up.

12.) Related to Number 11 is the fact that I’m greatly turned on by the idea of reluctance. The idea that a girl sorta likes someone, but needs something extra to push her. Like having a girl over and she knows $1000 is sitting on the dresser. Will she take it in the morning or will she leave it? How will she feel about herself if she takes it? I have the control if she takes it, but if she leaves it then she strips me of all control. She takes my crutch away and leaves me in unfamiliar territory. I want this fantasy to go away, but I can’t deny how hard it makes me.

13.) I like the idea of sex probably more than sex itself. I hate the idea of sex as being some expectation. I’d rather tie a girl up and leave her open and wanting than simply giving into the expectation that I’m just going to fuck her like last week or the week before.

14.) Years ago I kept a strap-on under my bed hoping to find a girl that would try it on me. At some point I gave up on a girl ever doing it right so I threw it away. The lasting memory from it was a girl laughing way too much when she had it on to do anything.

15.) Sometimes I think I have an unhealthy obsession with the idea of a girl. That I’ve romanticized girls way too much, and given them way too much power. After all, people are people regardless of the gender, but there is just something so alluring to a girl. 

16.) When I was younger I wanted to be tied up and stripped by a bunch of girls. I still do, even though I know it would never translate to real life. Just being a boy toy that a girl could abuse turns me on greatly. Bonus points if they make me suck a cock in front of them. Just showing them that weakness, and being forced to deal with the shame I felt. Even though I know there is absolutely nothing shameful about sucking a cock. It’s just sex, and at some point I’d probably laugh about it.

17.) I envy how girls can be objectified. I know this is a terrible thing, and it’s undeniable how much harm it does to girls. But, at the same time it’s just so powerful. The idea that someone wants to see you naked. As a guy unless you’re an Adonis you’re basically just comedic relief. Most CFNM porn should be renamed as extremely funny comedy. I’m sure if I watched it with a girl she’d be laughing hysterically.

18.) I’m obsessed with my own cock. I love the shape, the size and the look of it. I love how angry it gets sometimes. Once a girl even had the gall to say that it was tragic that it didn’t get out and play more--that it was stuck on some engineer's body who had terrible people skills. Sometimes it does let me down. The angry full-blown baseball bat imitation doesn’t happen all the time. I’m sure it's some chemical thing that only peaks for a few days a month, or if there is a particular girl that is making me really horny.

19.) I’m obsessed with blow jobs, and I’ll never be with a girl who doesn’t take it into her mouth. I also love giving oral, so I don’t see any issue with this.

20.) I’m a monogamous person at heart, but I’ve completely rejected monogamy in my own life. I want the people in the relationship to define what the relationship is, and not just some construct, some idealistic bullshit we're supposed to match up to. I’ll never leave a girl if she is sick, or has cancer, or anything else. I’m the most dedicated guy a girl will ever find, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be monogamous sex-wise. I think it really just comes down to being honest with each other. Honest about our needs and our intentions. You’re supposed to love the person for who they are.

21.) I never see the doctor unless there is something wrong with my cock. I had a hernia once, and so I went to see the doctor because it made my cock look bad. I secretly wonder if my rather intense masturbation didn’t help cause it. The easiest way to get me to see the doctor is to deny me sex. Yes, I know this is silly, but doctors scare the crap out of me.

22.) I love girls that see themselves as a slut or embrace their own sexuality (which is the same thing), and they don’t feel ashamed of it.  For whatever reason, I see the MFM threesome as being the graduation point into sluthood. Yes, even I can admit that might be silly, but I like it. It’s that act because of the intimacy and the double penetration. Bonus points if the guys are friends and they shared her despite the competitive nature the two friends have.

23.) I have a thing for girls in the 18-22 range. Some will say it's abusive, and some will say I’m stuck in my past. But it's just such a beautiful thing to see a girl discover something. It’s like teaching someone how to drive. To teach them the beauty of accepting pleasure. If I’m ever with a young girl again, I’m going to do a brilliant job teaching them. Or maybe I’ll just give it up because it’s impossible, or I’m better suited to girls in the 25-35 range.

24.) I don’t personally use sex toys on myself, but I’m in the process of designing sex toys for use in orgasm recording and denial (EKG type stuff). I’m fascinated by the idea of knowing someone is being pleasured by the the brain waves they give off.

25.) I don’t drink or do drugs. I’m not against those things, but they just don’t do anything for me. I do kinda wonder, though, how much it's cost me in terms of sexual exploration.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

1) I am a 19 year old cis-female. I generally think of myself as feminine, but I love men's fashion and occasionally like to cross-dress without changing my feminine hairstyle; button up shirts are almost all I own.

2) I identify as asexual. It took me a long time to realize that aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same. While I identify as ace, I do maintain a romantic orientation as homoromantic, but recently I've been questioning the validity of that; Sometimes I feel like I could give guys a chance, but perhaps it's just that I like the idea of being with a man more than actually being with one.

3) I am a virgin. I've never been kissed. I've never been in a relationship. It's not that I completely lack self-esteem, but rather I don't really understand the dynamics involved with "dating" or "being in a relationship". I can't seem to relate to other people because of that, and it's possibly because the concepts of love and sex are so heavily intertwined in their representation within society and because I picture them as separate I have to ultimately reevaluate my understanding to fit in, and this just hasn't been working.

4) I wish I had a girlfriend, but I'm not out and I don't know when I'll be more open about who I am. It's not because I'm ashamed, it's because I just can't handle the awkwardness associated with people knowing such personal information about me. Why is it anyone else's business? The question is not usually brought up anyway, as I appear and identify as female so I can easily pass through society; I can easily be invisible. But this has caused me to be more lonely than I would like.

5) I am not against sex. I am a very sex-positive person: it's a large part of society and people do it and so it needs to be and should be discussed. However, when I picture myself having sex I feel disgusted. I am repulsed at the thought of me having sex with a man, but I feel as though I might be able to tolerate it if it's with a woman; if I really loved her, I would accommodate her needs as best as I am able. I'm just not sure I would be able to receive pleasure from her. The thought makes me extremely apprehensive.

6) I have frequent periods in which I feel like sex is just whatever and I don't care about it. Which for the most part is all the time. However, this feeling is more like my body is disposable and others may use it freely, as opposed to not caring about sex and equally not wanting it. It's like I feel a separation from myself, my opinions, my interests and everything else that makes me who I am, and can just detach myself from my repulsion of sex for a brief period in order to pleasure someone else. Sometimes it scares me how unemotional and unfeeling I am about myself in this regard.

7) I do get turned on. I do masturbate (and I do it quite frequently). I do it when I'm stressed, or when I feel upset, or when I'm lonely; asexuality is a large spectrum and there is so much diversity that the only formal definition agreed upon in the community is lack of sexual attraction. Some aces do masturbate, some don't. Some have a lot of sex, others are virgins.

8) I get so nervous when talking to pretty girls. I just can't function properly, and I don't know why. I feel like maybe I come off as a try-hard when this happens, but I just can't tell. If I like a girl, I typically try to avoid her as much as I can. Right now, my current interest is someone who I used to not be interested in (I don't really become interested in friends, but rather acquaintances who I idealize), but lately as I've gotten to know her she has shown to be an incredibly intelligent, absolutely beautiful and highly interesting young woman. And as a friend, I can't really avoid her, so I am slowly learning how to be less awkward in my mannerisms around girls.

9) Before I discovered what asexuality was, I used to feel like something was wrong with me. Growing up Catholic, you are taught that sex is a natural thing in a heterosexual marriage and that it's the epitome of love within the confines of that marriage. I don't want sex and I don't want to get married, and this is essentially denying the factor that makes you human in the eyes of God. I felt subhuman, less than, inferior. I hated myself. Sometimes I still feel guilty.

10) Growing up as a female, I've encountered sexism from a young age. I felt caged and pressured to conform when I would have to dress up to attend formal balls and banquets; my appearance was put on the utmost pedestal, all because men view women as child-bearing trophies. I hated it: I hated the atmosphere of snobby girls silently judging me, I hated the slow dancing and the gross breath of my date whispering in my ear as he tried to put his hands a little too low for comfort, and I hated the shitty food that was served, too. I withdrew into myself and kept quiet for a long time thereafter, because I felt like my opinions and thoughts were being trampled on, and I wasn't being heard.

11) Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just have this undeniable urge to call up a girl on my contacts, invite her over, and have sex with her. I want to fuck her brains out. I can't help it: there are days (it's sporadic) where I wake up unbelievably horny, and taking care of it myself is so tiresome because I have to go at it for a very long time. I have to orgasm at least 3 times in order to satisfy the urge, and it'd just be easier if I let out my pent-up sexual frustration on a girl in a way that's most pleasurable and exciting to her.

12) I have watched porn before, but I don't really enjoy it. I have a love-hate relationship with it: Mentally, it does absolutely nothing for me, I don't find it pleasing to watch. I find it repulsive, grotesque and inherently misogynist, but after I watch it, my body responds to it in the completely opposite way and I notice that I become extremely wet after watching it. It's like there's this disconnect with my body and my brain, and I don't understand why that happens. I feel so guilty about it, and I hate not being able to have control over how my body reacts to certain things.

13) I think I have a fear of relationships, but I would really like to experience one soon. I just want someone to be there. No talking, no sex, nothing. I want someone to just enjoy the silence with me and cuddle with me in the park or on our bed. Not even sleeping, just a comfortable silence. Unfortunately, I don't think my chances of finding a girl like that are very high.

14) I am deathly afraid that I will never be touched the way I would like to be.

15) I get bored easily with crushes, because I assume (from past experiences) that they will never happen. I'm scared that with my first girlfriend, I'll become bored of her quickly, and that's not fair to her. She doesn't deserve that.

16) I am platonically attracted to guys. I wish I could have a really close guy friend without him wanting (or expecting) something more, but so far that hasn't been the case. I would also really enjoy hugging and hand-holding with guys, but nothing more. No kissing, no caressing, nothing. This is where the confusion sets in about my romantic orientation. I really, really enjoy the comfort and feeling I get when I hug guys and when I can smell the lavender scent of detergent in their clothes. I wish I could just be in their arms forever, sometimes.

17) I feel scared when I get close to girls. I always feel like there's some kind of tension, and I can't really place my finger on what. It's not a sexual tension, because I'm not sexually attracted to them. I just don't know what it is.

18) If a close female friend ever started to get overly touchy, start breathing on my neck, touch my thigh, I would get turned on. My body is so sensitive and so receptive to touch that I could probably orgasm from just that. The underside of my wrists are the most sensitive part of my body: I will get an orgasm just from light traces along my wrist, dragged up my forearm.

19) I am overly sweet on my female friends, and I bend over backwards just to help them out even if it inconveniences me. I don't expect anything in return, I just feel powerless sometimes when it comes to girls; I don't ever want them to feel the way I do - that their concerns aren't important enough or that my thoughts don't matter. But this makes me feel weak-willed and I feel like I end up being used and it's my own fault. But I just can't help it.

20) After I masturbate at night, I feel incredibly lonely and I often wish that I had a girl to cuddle with in the dark. I wish we could lay there facing each other, and my eyes would adjust to the darkness and the first thing I'd be able to see is the outline of her face and then the curve of her lips.

21) With most friends, I maintain a disinterested view on sex. If a sexual topic comes up, I stay silent or say "eww." I just don't feel comfortable talking about it; years of conservative upbringing and sexism have taught me that sex is a not a subject that should be discussed in public, or discussed from a women's viewpoint, much less. However, with closer friends that I happen to be out to, sex brings up very interesting debates that I find myself to really enjoy; my thoughts on sex just don't seem to match what I show to other people, and I'm trying to fix that in order to be more comfortable with talking about it to friends that I am not out to.

22) When I was young, about 6 or 7, I believe I was sexually assaulted by a doctor. The memory is really fuzzy, but I do remember being at the doctor's office, my mom sitting in the chair, and the male doctor examining my private area for about 10 seconds. There was no penetration. I'm not really sure what kind of illness would warrant that kind of conduct, and I remember the door was left open and the nurse was in there and she turned the computer screen towards me. I honestly can't really remember a whole lot about the incident. A few days later I do remember riding in the front seat of the car and hearing on the radio about a doctor who was arrested because he sexually assaulted a ton of children and had child pornography on his computer and my mom then changed the radio station. I've never talked to her about it because it's too faint of a memory to recall. I feel like it may be a repressed memory or something. I will probably not talk about it to anyone.

23) While I sometimes identify as lesbian, I don't feel accepted or wanted by the LGBT community because I'm ace; it's a heavily sexualized community and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere within it. I don't feel welcome.

24) I feel like if I ever were to have sex, I'd be a good lover. I feel like I take direction very well and be attentive to her needs in order to make her experience as good as possible.

25) If I were to choose between sex or cake I would most likely choose cake every time.